Home Must See 6 Times Family Entertainment Went Horrifically Wrong

6 Times Family Entertainment Went Horrifically Wrong

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For some reason, our society has decided there’s nothing more wholesome and fun than making children gawk at caged beasts and the constantly poop-showered employees that take care of them. This is especially baffling when you consider that gathering a bunch of animals in one place always increases the possibility that things will go wrong in very NC-17 ways — to the horror of any families present, and to the hilarious delight of you, reading this safely on the Internet. Like the time when …

#6. Zoo Director Calls Baboon “Cocksucker” On Live TV

It can’t be easy running a zoo; after all, there’s the animal-rights crowd, the kids that’d rather spend their day Snapfacechatindering than looking at animals that won’t exist in a few decades, and the depressing fact that you aren’t allowed to ride a sled pulled by lions around the park while wearing a shirt reading “Bungle in the Jungle.” Also, the monkeys. They’re just the worst. So, what happens when you combine stress, monkeys, and the pressures of live television? Gold.

During what was originally envisioned as just another early morning fluff piece, viewers of the lazily named Breakfast Television tuned in to watch a baboon-like creature, Michael Hackenberger, guiding an actual baboon through a series of tricks. One of these involved the monkey riding a pony. Cute, right? No, not really, because halfway through the skit, the baboon jumped down from the pony because it’s a goddamn monkey … only to be called a “cocksucker” and told to “get back up.”

Shockingly, this did not sit well with viewers.

Imagine if they had seen when he was fat-shaming it in the green room.

Alongside the usual social media onslaught, Breakfast Television cut all ties with Bowmanville Zoo. Hackenberger, who is also the freakin’ director of the zoo, later apologized for his outburst, saying that he loves his animals very much and this was all a moment of “exasperation.” Incidentally, this is the second result on Google for “Bowmanville Zoo”:

He reiterated that he’s changed, it’s never happening again, and there’s no need for the baboon
to move in with its sister.

We’re not saying that you’re a liar, Michael. We’re just saying that your zoo has a pretty dickish way of showing that animal love. Speaking of which …

#5. Coney Island’s Compulsive Masturbating Walrus Attraction

As 40 percent of all images on the Internet can attest, there’s nothing cuter than an animal who thinks that it’s people. In keeping with the other 60 percent of the Internet, here’s a walrus furiously masturbating:


“We quit.” -Cracked GIF department

Holy shit, look at him go! We’re shocked his flippers haven’t burst into flames — though that would do nothing to stop him, since it turns out that walruses are extremely flexible. Yeah, you know where this is going.


That’s why it’s hotter
Under the water
Ya we in luck here
Down in the muck here
Under the sea

This isn’t just some weird fetish we’ve taken up, by the by. That’s Ayveq, a beloved walrus from Coney Island Aquarium who, let’s face it, spent most of his time living the dream: jackin’ it all day to the delight of a captive audience. If you’re at work or, for some inexplicable reason, don’t want to watch a video of a walrus pummeling his baby hose, picture a seal wrestling a chair leg from the clutches of a flappy-handed Cthulhu. The weirdest part is that he’d never even ridden the subway, so we can only imagine where he picked up all these advanced moves.

He’s got the tired look and unkempt facial hair of a PornHub power user.

Unfortunately, you can’t go see Ayveq “perform” anymore. He passed away several years ago, presumably from exhaustion. However, before he departed, Ayveq stopped hammering his sausage long enough to have a son, although tragically the pup died before we could learn whether or not he would’ve continued his father’s life’s work of making everyone else’s family trips even more awkward.

#4. Bear And Monkey Bike Race Ends With The Bear (Nearly) Eating The Monkey

You know what’s never a bad idea? Getting animals to compete in cycling events. That said, the sport did suffer a slight setback in 2013, when the Shanghai Wild Animal Park held a cycling event between a bear and a monkey:

This truly is a world filled with endless wonders.

The bear was tasked with chasing the monkey, while the monkey’s role was simply to pedal his bicycle like there was a fucking bear chasing him. However, the monkey took one corner too sharply and fell from his bike … at which point the bear decided it was time to abandon all ceremony and just eat the monkey.

“Oooh! Five-second rule!”

In the full video, you can see the trainers separate the bear from the body of the monkey, which looks like little more than a battered rug at that point. Fortunately, the monkey survived and the pair continued their five-year partnership, becoming the sporting world’s most inspiring/disturbing story of reconciliation since Evander Holyfield and Mike Tyson.

For some reason, our society has decided there’s nothing more wholesome and fun than making children gawk at caged beasts and the constantly poop-showered employees that take care of them. This is especially baffling when you consider that gathering a bunch of animals in one place always increases the possibility that things will go wrong in very NC-17 ways — to the horror of any families present, and to the hilarious delight of you, reading this safely on the Internet. Like the time when …

#6. Zoo Director Calls Baboon “Cocksucker” On Live TV

It can’t be easy running a zoo; after all, there’s the animal-rights crowd, the kids that’d rather spend their day Snapfacechatindering than looking at animals that won’t exist in a few decades, and the depressing fact that you aren’t allowed to ride a sled pulled by lions around the park while wearing a shirt reading “Bungle in the Jungle.” Also, the monkeys. They’re just the worst. So, what happens when you combine stress, monkeys, and the pressures of live television? Gold.

During what was originally envisioned as just another early morning fluff piece, viewers of the lazily named Breakfast Television tuned in to watch a baboon-like creature, Michael Hackenberger, guiding an actual baboon through a series of tricks. One of these involved the monkey riding a pony. Cute, right? No, not really, because halfway through the skit, the baboon jumped down from the pony because it’s a goddamn monkey … only to be called a “cocksucker” and told to “get back up.”

Shockingly, this did not sit well with viewers.

Imagine if they had seen when he was fat-shaming it in the green room.

Alongside the usual social media onslaught, Breakfast Television cut all ties with Bowmanville Zoo. Hackenberger, who is also the freakin’ director of the zoo, later apologized for his outburst, saying that he loves his animals very much and this was all a moment of “exasperation.” Incidentally, this is the second result on Google for “Bowmanville Zoo”:

He reiterated that he’s changed, it’s never happening again, and there’s no need for the baboon
to move in with its sister.

We’re not saying that you’re a liar, Michael. We’re just saying that your zoo has a pretty dickish way of showing that animal love. Speaking of which …

#5. Coney Island’s Compulsive Masturbating Walrus Attraction

As 40 percent of all images on the Internet can attest, there’s nothing cuter than an animal who thinks that it’s people. In keeping with the other 60 percent of the Internet, here’s a walrus furiously masturbating:


“We quit.” -Cracked GIF department

Holy shit, look at him go! We’re shocked his flippers haven’t burst into flames — though that would do nothing to stop him, since it turns out that walruses are extremely flexible. Yeah, you know where this is going.


That’s why it’s hotter
Under the water
Ya we in luck here
Down in the muck here
Under the sea

This isn’t just some weird fetish we’ve taken up, by the by. That’s Ayveq, a beloved walrus from Coney Island Aquarium who, let’s face it, spent most of his time living the dream: jackin’ it all day to the delight of a captive audience. If you’re at work or, for some inexplicable reason, don’t want to watch a video of a walrus pummeling his baby hose, picture a seal wrestling a chair leg from the clutches of a flappy-handed Cthulhu. The weirdest part is that he’d never even ridden the subway, so we can only imagine where he picked up all these advanced moves.

He’s got the tired look and unkempt facial hair of a PornHub power user.

Unfortunately, you can’t go see Ayveq “perform” anymore. He passed away several years ago, presumably from exhaustion. However, before he departed, Ayveq stopped hammering his sausage long enough to have a son, although tragically the pup died before we could learn whether or not he would’ve continued his father’s life’s work of making everyone else’s family trips even more awkward.

#4. Bear And Monkey Bike Race Ends With The Bear (Nearly) Eating The Monkey

You know what’s never a bad idea? Getting animals to compete in cycling events. That said, the sport did suffer a slight setback in 2013, when the Shanghai Wild Animal Park held a cycling event between a bear and a monkey:

This truly is a world filled with endless wonders.

The bear was tasked with chasing the monkey, while the monkey’s role was simply to pedal his bicycle like there was a fucking bear chasing him. However, the monkey took one corner too sharply and fell from his bike … at which point the bear decided it was time to abandon all ceremony and just eat the monkey.

“Oooh! Five-second rule!”

In the full video, you can see the trainers separate the bear from the body of the monkey, which looks like little more than a battered rug at that point. Fortunately, the monkey survived and the pair continued their five-year partnership, becoming the sporting world’s most inspiring/disturbing story of reconciliation since Evander Holyfield and Mike Tyson.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/

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