1. Sign Up, Add “Handsome” To Your Handle
I think looks-based compliments, especially, are like nicknames: It’s uncomfortable if you give them to yourself! Please just have a normal Twitter handle, your name or otherwise. There is a teen girl in the U.K. who has my name (and her name, allegedly) as her handle, but you don’t see me adding complimentary prefixes to my handle to lure you in under false pretenses.
2. Go To All The Cool Twitter Parties
Who goes to a Twitter party? Personal brands. What do they serve at a Twitter party? Platters of the same joke, reheated. (Ugh, sorry.) What do you wear to a Twitter party? Unnatural lighting. Is this a real thing? I think Twitter parties just mean normal parties in which you sit on your phone, talking to nobody, tweeting. You could try it.
4. Say “Hey” To Everyone You Follow
If I followed someone and that person immediately tweeted a greeting to me, I would climb under my desk and never come out. Too scary!
5. Unfollow Jerks Who Don’t Follow You Back
EVERYONE knows that if your followER and followING counts are nearly even, something is up. What shady under-the-table deals are going on here? Do the people who are following you even like you? Do you even like THEM?
6. Call People to Thank Them for Retweeting
Buy a fruit basket. Carry it over to the person’s house. Knock on the door. Nobody’s home! Lie down on the front stoop with the fruit basket on your belly. Just wait.
7. Live-Tweet Your Friends, But With Movie Quotes
This one is actually a really good idea! Oh, wait…
10. Give Up and Buy Them All
It’s like they always say: “The best things in life are brainless spam Twitter accounts that say nothing and see nothing but follow you, silently and blindly, to the ends of the Earth, because you paid them to.”